the love life of joel hoagland

ChezJoel.com is pleased to present a “choose your own adventure” interactive blog e-novel loosely based on the love life of Joel Hoagland. At the end of each new installment, you, the reader, will decide what Joel Hoagland should do next!

Joel finished stacking the shredded cheddar cheese on his nachos, and glanced quickly over at the microwave. The prognosis was not good. Ksra’s nachos were in for another minute, and the plates of two other guests at the Hoagland household formed a queue on the counter in front of the microwave.

Several of Fid’s jazz ensemble friends were over, excitedly buzzing about their successful concert earlier this evening, so the house was pretty lively. Joel put his plate into the queue, and was thinking of skulking down to his bedroom in the basement for a few minutes, when Fid, his kid-sister did a skid through the kitchen doorway, jangled their dad’s car keys and said, “You’re driving.”

Joel swallowed a flash of resentment. Apparently he didn’t merit an, “Are you busy, could you please?” from Fid. She was that way with everybody, though; breezy, self-assured, and curt in a friendly, inclusive kind of way. Joel couldn’t think of any retort that wouldn’t just make things worse, so he opted for a look of confusion as a way of registering his reluctance to be commandeered away from the nacho can-can. Fid pretended the look of confusion meant her brother was just slow: “Tamara needs a ride home, so you’re it.”

Hmmmm, thought Joel. This was interesting. Tamara was a cutie with long dark curly tresses. Joel didn’t know her very well, but he was starting to think that driving Tamara home might be a great way to start. Nonetheless he tried to look disgruntled as he grabbed the car keys and gruffed, “Is she going now?”

Tamara worked her way through the cheerful rug dance that cute girls always do when they are bidding other cute girls good bye until tomorrow morning, and then Joel and Tamara headed out across the darkened yard toward the grey minivan parked on the curb. Suddenly the yard was illuminated as the front door opened again, and Fid was descending the steps. She darted up next to Joel, grabbed his elbow and, pretending to half stumble, she furtively whispered, “Mom says I have to come with.”

Joel tucked a resigned, sardonic smile into the collar of his winter coat, and said aloud, for Tamara’s benifit, “Hi Fid, you coming with us?” It was a totally unconvincing ruse; nobody bought it, least of all Tamara. But she said nothing. She’d known our family for a couple of years now. Joel didn’t know if she had any interest in him; none of his sisters had ever said so. But Joel felt a little sorry for her, for the awkwardness of the situation.

The two girls jeeves’d him, settling into the back seats, leaving him to drive alone in the front of the minivan. Joel had pretty much tuned out their low, barely audible conversation when suddenly Tamara spoke up from directly behind him. “Joel,” she asked, “are you gay?”

Joel didn’t answer right away. He felt slightly flustered, but mostly it seemed funny. A few years ago, in the throes of adolescence this question would probably have gotten a volcanic response out of him, but tonight he had a hunch Tamara was flirting with him. He paused, indulging in a private, quiet, laughing smile before clearing his throat and answering Tamara’s question.

In your comment please indicate which of these options you choose and give a reason why.

A. Joel says, “Tamara, I’ve always liked that you’re not afraid of my animal magnetism, but until tonight I really didn’t know how you felt about me.”

B. Joel feigns idiocy and says, “Gay…you mean like ‘happy’ back in the good ole days of prohibition?”

C. Joel says, “That depends on whether you’re a guy in drag.”

D. Joel, still smiling to himself, decides to let Tamara’s question hang in the air while he drives several more blocks.