hiring stephen colbert

The Hon. Stephen Colbert

To celebrate possibly getting some work, I decided it was time to expand. I need to hire some writing talent so that I can focus on the technical aspects of the business. No sooner had I thought this, when I bumped into Stephen Colbert of The Daily Show. One thing led to another, and pretty soon I was interviewing him for the job. Here is an excerpt from the interview:

CHEZJOEL: So, Stephen, I don’t have your resume in front of me, but I am fairly familiar with your work, and I must say, it’s pretty impressive. I particularly like your Mr. Goodwrench commercials.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Well and good, Joel, but I’d like to talk about…you.
CJ: Ah, ok. What do you want to know?
SC: Your middle name is Steven with a “v”, isn’t it?
CJ: Well, coincidentally, yes.
SC: Is it?
CJ: Is what?
SC: Is it a coincidence?
CJ: I expect it is.
SC: Aren’t you jumping to conclusions?
CJ: It seems like a reasonable assumption. I mean, my parents, when they gave me that name–
SC: This isn’t really relevant, is it?
CJ: {pause} No.
SC: Let’s try to stay on topic, shall we?
CJ: Ok, perhaps I should tell you a little about the position.
SC: Ok. For the sake of argument, I’ll play along.
CJ: Basically we need somebody who can write humorous content.
SC: “We?” “We” is just you, right?
CJ: Right now, well, yes–
SC: What is your policy on sexual harassment?
CJ: Sexual…ah, we’re against that, of course.
SC: What is your stated policy on sexual harassment?
CJ: Very much against it.
SC: Is that on your website?
CJ: I’m sorry? You mean like a written policy?
SC: You don’t actually have a policy on sexual harassment, do you?
CJ: Of course we do, like I just said, we feel sexual harassment is wrong, and shouldn’t be–
SC: There’s that “we” again. Isn’t it true that you think that because you’re the “little guy”, and not some “giant corporation”, you don’t “need” a policy on sexual harassment?
CJ: That’s not true at all.
SC: So you do need a policy on sexual harassment.
CJ: Sure. Everyone–
SC: Because you don’t have one…
CJ: …of course we have one…
SC: …on your website.
CJ: {exasperated pause} Look. If you take this job, that can be your first order of business. You can draft our policy on sexual harassment, and I’ll approve it, and we’ll put it on the web.
SC: I think the question you have to ask is, what if I, Stephen Colbert, were interviewing you to come work for me? Would you take the job?
CJ: Ah, what sort of business is it?
SC: Does that matter?
CJ: Well, if I were going to work for you I’d want to have an idea what sort of business you were in.
SC: You know what I notice about you interviewing for a job with me?
CJ: No, what do you notice?
SC: You haven’t once asked me about my policy on sexual harassment.
CJ: {laughing} So do you have one?
SC: I’d have to be a complete idiot not to have one.

For reasons I can’t comprehend, Mr. Colbert now refuses to acknowledge this interview ever took place. At any rate, it turned out that Mr. Colbert’s salary requirements were a smidge too high for me. If you’re interested in this job, please comment below. It is a ground-floor opportunity to join a fast-paced, dynamic (and small) team, and influence…er, policy.