Thanks for posting this. There's a lot of wisdom in it, and I know all too well the fear that I will ruin my children.

No one is ever "ready" to be a parent -- not spiritually, not emotionally, and (for most of us) not financially. And there's a lot to be said for starting earlier, when you still have the physical stamina for keeping up with kids, rather than waiting as I did.

To be sure, there's a minimum level of empathy and diligence that needs to be there to be able to care for a little person's needs and to keep him safe and sound, but those qualities get developed in the course of being a parent. And God gives grace day by day.

Part of the problem is the illusion that perfection is possible -- somehow if I wait until I am perfect enough to have kids, wait for the perfect person to marry, wait for the perfect church to join, wait for the perfect job, I can find perfect love, perfect acceptance, perfect fulfillment, without struggles and suffering. That illusion leads to the notion that if struggles and suffering are present, it must be time to dump the job, bail out of a relationship, change churches, or maybe even check out of life altogether. It leads to the lie that I am so flawed that my kids would be better off without me.

Here's the staggering thing: God loves my kids perfectly, unconditionally, unselfishly, infinitely better than I could even hope to love them. In His perfect love, He put them under my care, and He will work through all my flaws and all the circumstances of our life together to accomplish His purpose in them.

Your Niagara Falls analogy is apt. You're going to get bounced around, probably beat up and bruised on the way down. Unlike a real ride over the falls, though, Someone has promised to bring you through it in one piece.

i waited ... for another to comment first, that is. there is not a parent out here among us who doesn't feel a lot like you express - and reference to previous generations of fathers is apt, here. we are products of the same uncertainty that our children face in us ... and while i won't say "...and I turned out OK!", i will say there is life on the other side of surviving poor parenting - and we're all better fopr it. if i contemplate my own father and all he was [or wasn't] and all he did [or didn't], have to admire him all the more 'cause he got me here and he got himself through it, too [mostly].

JH -
"But the selfless fear is, to be perfectly blunt, more repulsive to me. This is the fear which says, "I'm not able to handle this responsibility, and it would be unfair to the child to be born into my care.

Posh. There may be good reasons not to have children, but if it really does come down to fear, then shame and fie. After all, look at me. I'm a father, and do I have fear? I'm scared shitless."

Cletus -
Judge not less you be judged!

JH -
"Shall I enumerate the reasons I'm terrified that I'll ruin my son? They are too many. Suffice it to say my mistakes and shortcomings give me cause for profound, agonizing terror. My family is a broken, rag-tag cadre of lag behinds, starting with the head, me. (I'm only telling you how I feel, not what it may look like to my gracious and encouraging friends.)"

Cletus -
Enough already on the the psycho analytical analysis of yourself. To quote you verbatim from your own text " I don't know anybody who got perfect parents."

JH -
Let me say this unequivically: my son deserves better. I so deeply wish for him to have better than the best I can cobble together.

Cletus -
There isnt a parent in this world who hasnt said these exact words. The ironic thing is, most children after they emotionaly develop (it took me until I was 20 years old), have the reciprocal opinion of there child hood when parents who cared were involded in there lives. My point is, YOU CARE and display your care to your son. Share your thoughts with him 10 years from now, and the response from him will probably bring you to tears as your son dispells your feelings as they are today as rediculous and unfounded.

Cletus -
The Niagra Falls metaphor is pretty hilarious to me acually, meaing I liked it and laughed. Do me a favor though, double check to ensure that the water truly is "brackish", im not so sure its a mixture of salt and fresh water, but I am curious to know for sure.

Respectfully Submitted,

Cletus Maximus (Father of two wonderfull girls ages 8 and 10)

You said: "The selfish ones patently fear the loss of liberty...." The loss such folk fear is more like the loss of license. They haven't got a clue what liberty is. That's something for those whom the Son has made free.

Good post. I'm sure he who fathered forth your sorry tail liked it. And any common 5 penny nail can see what grace and glory you pour into your son. Rub some dirt in it and get back out there to the midfield.

I'm curious about the other direction. Why did you choose to have children?

Why did you choose to have children?

To me this is an odd question. Every culture on earth regards parents' love for their children to be natural and furthermore, good. Western anthropologists may try to explain this in evolutionary terms, but any father who loves his child knows it isn't so mercenary, or mechanistic. There is something about having children that is, for lack of a better word, good.

Beyond the fact that his genes will persist, there is a bigger fact, one that daily intrudes upon a father's consciousness: this is my child, but this person does not belong to me. There is a blending of having and losing at once: we struggle to provide what we can, we are stoic about what we know we must lose.

I believe, as the Psalmist said, that "children are an heritage of the Lord." They are a blessing to their parents, but not only or even primarily to their parents.

//To me this is an odd question.// It's not so odd. You imply that those that choose not to have children are afraid or selfish. I think that only makes sense if there is some great and obvious benefit to having children, either to one's self in the case of being afraid, or to society in the case of being selfish.

You do concede that there may be good reasons for not having children. This implies that one needs a reason for not having children. As with any decision that significantly changes one's life, I'd argue that you'd need a good reason for acting, not the other way around.

The only good reasons I've heard for having children are very personal and feeling based, as is yours. There's certainly nothing wrong with that. But the criticism of those that choose differently than you comes off as a little holier-than-thou.

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