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February 15, 2005
blogger bates behemoth, behemoth blandly blubbers
I was saddened to read of the Tesla Whirled's taking to task of blogger Michael Bates (of batesline.com) in a letter which he has brashly "reproduced" here. I am saddened because the Whirled's letter is couched in rather bland, mamby-pamby language which has failed to properly get Mr. Bates' attention, let alone dismiss him from the bloggosphere. I have taken it upon myself to prepare upon the model of the Whirled's letter, a better letter which all major media news reporting entities may, by virtue of fair use law, assimilate and use as their own:
Dear Mr. Scumbag Uppity Blogger:I am writing on behalf of ____________ Publishing Company, publisher of ____________, Main Stream News Media Newspaper, Informer of the Realm, Apostle to the Smug, Mouthpiece of the French. We are perturbed to learn that despite our continuing Magnanimity© in allowing you to publish your insular epithets on the Internet™ at ____________ (your so-called "blog"), you have flouted our beneficence and strained our considerable patience by reproducing. You have also reproduced (in whole or in part or not at all) the wisdom of articles and/or editorials from ____________ newspaper and/or have jury-rigged egregious and nefarious hyper-links™ on your "website" which direct your cretinous so-called "readers" to ____________'s fascinating and irrefutable content.
We at ____________ copyright its entire newspaper and specifically each of the articles and/or editorials at issue. Still more specifically we copyright each paragraph, each sentence, each word, the names of all persons mentioned therein, each letter, and have trademarked the peculiar sounds each letter makes as it spews forth from the slack and overmoist cake funnels of you and your ilk. (We do not suffer you to respond verbally or in writing at this time; please continue following our scintillating and edifying missive until you reach the bottom of this foolscap of high-grade cotton-bond paper.) The reproduction of any articles and/or editorials (in whole or in part or not at all) on your so-called "blog," or linking of your "website" to ____________ content is without the benediction or sanctification of ____________ and constitutes an Intentional Depletion of Our Legal Budget (IDOL), and infringement of ____________'s copyright, destiny, God-given charter, and other rights to the exclusive use and distribution of all readable material.
Therefore, we hereby demand, nay, impell you to immediately prostrate yourself before ____________, but only briefly at this time, as you must make haste to remove any of ____________'s material from your "website", to include even the mere stink of unauthorized "hyper-links" (Patent Pending) to our Major Online Media Presence, and cease, desist (and perhaps cease to exist) from any further use, dissemination or even contemplation of our inestimable Copyrighted Content©. If you desire to use (in whole or in part or not at all) any of the content of our newspaper, well, let's face it: that simply isn't going to happen. If you fail to comply with this demand, or, for so much as a second, glance at your rolodex™, ____________ will take such legal action as is necessary to assure that your miserable progeny will weep at the sound of our footfalls for a thousand years. Additionally, we will pursue all other legal remedies, including pestilence, celebrity interviews, levy initiatives, denial of service attacks, boxing of the ears and border raids to ensure the recompense of our onerous damages that have most certainly resulted as a direct result of the results of your wickedness and resulting mayhem this infamous day.
We anticipate with utter certitude your immediate and obsequious groveling and cooperation in this matter. Please acknowledge your compliance by rending your clothes, throwing dust in your hair, signing below and turning from your wickedness. Return this signed legal device without making eye contact. You may not speak to another living soul for 180 days.
Most Graciously,
(signed)
_____________
Viceroy of the Media's Honor_____________
Posted by joel at February 15, 2005 11:14 PM
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» The "unpleasant reek of fundy mindrot"? from BatesLine
I was using Technorati to see what bloggers are saying about the Tulsa World's threats against BatesLine. Chellee of Telling Deeds posted an entry calling the World's missive "wonderfully fascist" and praising Joel Helbling's wonderful parody of it. Wh... [Read More]
Tracked on February 23, 2005 01:20 AM
Comments
Thanks for highlighting this. Have linked it to my blog so that my three ;-) readers will be aware. Old media's just jealous...
Posted by: Honest + Popular at February 16, 2005 01:42 PM
I didn't know HRM King George III had taken up residence in Tulsa. When I attended Nathan Hale HS (honoring the man first to utter in quoted public speech the word "independence" -- or does the newspaper of disregard have a copyright on that one?) my junior year, it was not so. When I studied at ORU my freshman year, it was still not so. They used to say the real Okies stayed and the failed ones live in southern California. Tulsa may have fallen prey to a reverse trend. Where's Merl when you need him? Oh yeah. He's in Muskogee with the real Okies.
Posted by: Dabu Heebly at February 16, 2005 01:45 PM
Love it, especially that last paragraph.
Posted by: Chellee at February 21, 2005 10:05 PM
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